That Sinking Feeling: Imposter Syndrome

by: Angela Munoz

Whenever I drift back to times when I felt my most fragile during my professional and personal life, my thoughts are always flooded with sinking memories of being called an outsider, and this has given way to symptoms of imposter syndrome. Having always been a bit of an outsider, I can always feel the drops of doubt set in slowly like a gentle rain. As I feel the pressure rising and wave of emotions creep up, I talk myself into shaking these thoughts away like raindrops on my umbrella. It is important to note that this is not a cure though, only a temporary remedy for combating imposter thoughts. Most would think that after a person gains experience, education, and respect that these drops of doubt suddenly stop falling and there is endless sunshine and success, but this is not always the case. It is easy to believe that if you keep up with the latest blogs and feeds, it seems everyone is winning, and the world has no time for losers. For some, imposter syndrome develops from childhood, others difficult relationships, and some may stem from work stress and financial woes. The negative feedback loop is ingrained deep in our inner voice as a constant, but often deceitful reminder that all is not well. All it takes is a little experience with low self-esteem, fear, and overthinking and you have a recipe for the perfect imposter syndrome storm. Perhaps the most unforgiving symptom of imposter syndrome is when you finally let it flood in and allow it to sink you.

To be completely honest, just before this doctoral program began, I started feeling the drops of doubt again, and before long I had that familiar sinking feeling that I was just wasting my time and money because I did not have a proper IT background. For a few days, I had completely convinced myself that I would not complete the program. I told myself that it was just too expensive, that there were no opportunities for me to work in my area now, and there will be even fewer possibilities with a doctorate degree, and I believed that I was just too much of an IT outsider to be successful in the program or as a professor who might continue teaching. In fact, I was fully convinced that I would not complete the program and I had decided that I would let the college know the day before classes began.

The more I thought about telling the college that I would not be attending, the more I began to consider what justifiable reasons I would tell them for leaving. While trying to mentally prepare myself for convincing them how would be the best decision for me, I realized that I could not even convince myself that this was a reasonable idea. So, when it came time to begin the course, I just could not make myself cancel. I physically could not write the email, because I knew in my heart that this was not the answer. I needed to separate my fears from logic and decide once and for all what my path would be. Despite finances, a failing economy, more career delays, and a never-ending schedule of work, I had to symbolically choose this path outright, because it has already chosen me.

I thought of having to let my mentors know that I would be leaving the program, although they had spent years preparing me for this moment, and I knew they would be heartbroken. I thought of my colleagues who have cheered me on for years as an underdog who will finally be free from the indentured servitude that is the call center. I even asked my children what they thought about the decision, and they were heartbroken that I might give up on my dream. My son reminded me that our family motto is “we do not live our lives by fear” and “if someone offers you an opportunity, you take it!” This was exactly when I realized that I was running away from this opportunity out of pure fear of the future.

Something my grandfather used to say is “God is focus and the Devil is distraction,” and this is where imposter syndrome can sink you and your future. The thoughts, ideas, fears, doubts, and worries combine to create a misleading distraction from what is truly important to you. All of the drops of doubt can add up to a flood, and sometimes the only way to avoid the fears of your inner voice is to block it out with an increasing focus on what is most important. Start with what you know. In my case, I remembered that I have mentors and professors standing behind me and supporting me. My husband and children told me they love me either way, but they will be disappointed if give up on my dream.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and imagined what it would feel like to not have this degree in 2 years, and I felt pain, regret, sadness, and disappointment. I took another deep breath and imagined myself 2 years in the future with a doctorate degree, and although I felt anxious about the future, I was proud of myself, honored, and whole with no regrets.

Whenever I make an important decision, I visualize taking myself all the way there and decide if that is where I truly want to be physically, mentally, and emotionally. As a visual and meditative person, I can see it, smell it, taste it, and feel it so realistically that I will know in an instant if I have made the right decision. This is how I test the waters to see if a place or person resonates with me and it helps to build trust and intuition to defeat imposter syndrome.

After visualizing both outcomes, I realized that I had completely forgotten the possibilities that might be available once I obtain a doctorate degree. For instance, there are still opportunities for me to teach the courses I enjoyed from my master’s degree program, and possibly new courses in the doctorate program as well, but this will only be possible when I earn the doctorate degree. I had been so distracted by what seemed impossible, that I had completely forgotten about what could be possible.

From this recent experience I know that when an opportunity presents itself, I must seek it out with courage, enthusiasm, and faith. I will trust my intuition to guide me in the right direction and I will not second guess myself out of fearful thoughts. I know that I am always learning, growing, and developing, but everyone else is too. I have an assurance that I can fight fear with preparedness and strategic thinking, and this will give me power over the situation. I can lead from my own experience and knowledge, and never give away my power. When faced with doubts that bring the wave of imposter syndrome over me, I can simply say “you have no power over me” just like Sarah from the Labyrinth movie, and the fear dissipates and immediately the drops of doubt end and the internal storm subsides.